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What you Must Believe To Be A Republican

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host.

Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery
  2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
 national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
  3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack

down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of


4. "Standing Tall for America"; means firing your workers and

moving their jobs to India.


5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body,

but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
 Hillary Clinton.
7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while

slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for
 governor of California as a Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

 10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation

and money.
 11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
  12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all

Americans is socialism.
  13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught

 in schools.
  14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made

war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a

"we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
 15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist

support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay

marriages and censoring the Internet.
  17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
 but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
  18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a
  right to adopt.
  19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national
interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
  20 Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.