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What
you Must Believe To Be A Republican
1.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host.
Then
it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery
2.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national
priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
3.
Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but
crack
down
on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of
illness.
4.
"Standing Tall for America"; means firing your workers and
moving
their jobs
to India.
5.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body,
but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all
mankind without regulation.
6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred
of homosexuals and
Hillary
Clinton.
7. The best way to improve military morale
is to praise the troops in speeches while
slashing
veterans' benefits and combat pay.
8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate
sins unless you someday run for
governor
of California as a Republican.
9.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
10.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time
allies, then demand their cooperation
and
money.
11.
HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
12.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health
care to all
Americans
is socialism.
13.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught
in
schools.
14.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy
made
war
on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with
him and a bad guy when Bush needed a
"we
can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
15.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist
support
for a war in which thousands
die is solid defense policy.
16. Government should limit itself to the
powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay
marriages
and censoring the Internet.
17.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
18.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can
tell states what local voter initiatives they have a
right
to adopt.
19.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national
interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
20
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but
trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
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